The Bipolar Forest

Life is an unfair pit dug between you and what you think you want, filled to the brim with used, naked syringes and uncomfortable feelings.

It's not all bad though; sometimes someone comes along who makes you rethink crossing that pit; some unique soul that makes you question what you thought you wanted, makes you think maybe life could be a field of flowers and trees that grow dorito nachos like fruit; a paradise if you will. 

Now you have to chose between crawling thru needles and shit to get what you really want, or take the easy way to someone else's ideal paradise. 

That's life for everyone, right? Hard choices and risks, easy outs and dumb luck. 

Now imagine the ground you're standing on is constantly shaking, like an earth quake that only you can feel. Everyone else is fine, but you feel every tremor, every shift, and it threatens your entire balance and momentum. Suddenly you're not just going after what you want or need, but you're trying to keep your balance just so you can function like everyone else. It's hard, so hard, just keeping on your feet.. That's what it's like for me, because I have bipolar. That's what soul-crushing depression I can't control or reason with feels like. 

That's not all, either. This personal earth quake can stop from time to time, letting me find my feet and start making some important choices.. I feel calm for once, I feel like my true self. 

Then suddenly the trees catch fire and everything's burning so bright I can't even see what I want or feel what I need anymore. People around me are so confused, because though they couldn't feel the earth quake, they most definitely can see this forest fire I set unintentionally. It won't go out. People around me pour water on fire, but it just keeps blazing, and to keep from getting burnt people leave me to myself. That's mania for me, the other side to bipolar. 

Eventually the fire goes out and if it was bad enough relationships could be destroyed, bridges could be burned, and I feel hopeless because so much wood has burnt in the forest there's isn't always enough to rebuild these things. So that takes time to heal things. What's bad is sometimes I get burnt too; I get scars. I've changed the world around me from a temporary fire that consumes things, like fires do.

Now I'm stuck preparing for earth quakes, forest fires, and on top of that all the other choices and things everyone else deals with in life. It's fucking exhausting, it's confusing. I live in fear of the natural disasters, when I realize it's one of the things that make me beautiful and unique. Struggling between love  and hate, fear and courage, smart choices or passionate experiences. 

Ask me my opinion on a topic and the answer will depend on if Im burning or shaking at the moment; but it'll always be intense. I move the earth, I consume things in seconds. That's bipolar.